Compulsions

You tap the lights three times
Because the world around you is dull
And dangerous And cruel
And the number three is safe
And spontaneous
And comforting
But you look like an idiot tapping the lights three times
And washing your hand five times
And reciting numbers people can not hear clearly under your breath
And they look at you Like the rare deformity, in a public zoo
Because things that are different
Don’t fascinate people like they should
But they scare
And repel And deflect others
And i can’t help but feel alone in a world Where the tide pushes against me
Trying its best to get me out of its vicinity
I don’t mean to over think things that are dangerous and scary
And i don’t mean to fall into a deep hole of endless sinking
But the surrounding words are groggy
And thick
Like fog
On a hot humid day
Its so thick its feels like swimming in quicksand
But i don’t know how to swim in quicksand
And the number one rule when caught in quicksand
Is to not panic
Because then you will drown
But no one tells me this when i need to hear it most
And i am the queen of panic
So i struggle And fight And flail
Only to fall to an endless doom of deep dark nothing
Where blood is thick like maple syrup
And people are as concealed as concrete
But my insides turn into this consistency
Of dog shit and bleach
And it burns my throat
And makes me cry
And I am sad
As i choke on my own thoughts
Because by the time i reached the pit of the quicksand
I begin to absorb it
And i then become
All the shameful things
Those have once said to me

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